Frustration and Motivation

Gah.  I’m frustrated.  I’ve been a lot more disciplined for the past two weeks, and I’m not seeing any progress – externally, at least.  Internally I feel a lot better about myself, but I’d like to see some changes, too.

I keep telling myself that I can do this.  I know I can because I’ve done it before.  About 2 years ago, I lost 20lbs and have kept 10 of them off.  I’m slowly chiseling away at those 10lbs and hope to slim down more even after that.  But these 10lbs don’t want to leave!!!  I just want to get back into the jeans I was wearing 2 years ago; I don’t give a damn what the scale says as long as my body is changing.

I used to walk 30-60 minutes a night on my treadmill… sometimes longer.  I had a shelf in front of my treadmill and would chat with TMWDE while I was walking, which motivated me to walk for longer.  I’ve since moved my treadmill and only walk/jog to music, which may be part of the issue.  I’ll have to reconsider my setup.

What motivates you… in any aspect of life?


My Most Surreal Experience: The Man Who Didn’t Exist | The Daily Prompt


(Photo Source)

Written for the Daily Prompt: What’s the most surreal experience you’ve ever had?

of, pertaining to, or characteristic of surrealism, an artistic and literary style; surrealistic.
having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic

I never knew what unadulterated passion was before I met him; I never knew someone could affect me in such a profound way.  I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating:  he challenged me and made me work towards my dreams for myself.  It wasn’t because he wanted me to improve for him; it was always because he wanted me to improve for myself – to achieve what I wanted.

I chose the picture to represent what our love meant to me.  It not only challenged me, but the love we shared helped me grow in multiple ways. I’m a better person because of that relationship.  I do my best to experience new things, to not give into excuses… to continue to grow.  I have a lot of work to do yet, but I’m getting there.

May 13, 2011 – we were chatting about me not seeing results in regards to fitness:

In a world that will eat your emotions raw, there is no room for excuses, especially when you’re so critical of yourself.
I wish I could show you; I wish you could feed off my energy and willpower, but we aren’t together.
So when you feel like just “giving up,” either commit yourself to the cause  or just give up.
You asked me to write you an email describing different aspects of myself.
The thing that annoys me the most on anyone, especially you, is entertainment of any excuses. Ever.
Why especially me?
Because I love you, and I know you are better than that…
Even if you don’t.
So I will fucking yell at you every time you project even the slightest excuse in any direction.
I am so motivated because I take accountability for everything in my life. If something isn’t the way I want it, it’s simply because I’m not trying hard enough.
This applies to me as a person and the world as it could be.

How could I not love his passion for helping me? For life?  How could my heart not flutter when he said that I’m better than any excuse?  How could I have been so foolish?

I don’t think I will ever meet someone else that passionate about life.  I don’t want to; I’ll just fall in love with them, and I can’t do that.

I don’t regret knowing him… or what I thought to be him.  I continue to work towards my fitness goals and when I need some motivation, that is one of the conversations I go back and read.  One day… I’ll be able to push myself and not need external motivation.  Until then, I’ll continue revisiting the fantasy as much as it hurts me to do so. In the end, I will benefit from it over and over again. Whatever it takes, right?

Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

Transformation Update 1/24/13 | The Daily Prompt

Written for The Daily Prompt.

Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.

My transformation challenge has been weighing on my mind lately.  I feel like I’m not making any progress.  And I’m not  – physically, anyway.  However, I do feel like I’m making loads of progress internally.

I’m eating better, eating fewer carbs, and I’m cooking more and more each day. My dad was a chef and owned a nice, sit-down restaurant in my hometown for about 10 years while I was growing up.  While I’ll never be a chef, cooking is quite therapeutic!  If the school I worked at had a culinary arts program, I would take a few classes.  But I digress…

I’ve been working out on an almost daily basis.  I try to get in a minimum of 30-45 minutes of walking and/or jogging each day (except for Wednesdays – my rest day.)  So far, I’ve done really good with that.  Baby steps.

That being said, baby steps are not going to get me to where I need to be in another 10 weeks; I can’t believe 2 weeks of my transformation “challenge” have already passed!  10 weeks… that’s really all I have to kick some major ass.  Even if I don’t have the biggest transformation out of my small group, I am learning better habits and getting in a routine of cooking healthier meals, so it’s a win-win situation anyway.

(5 minutes to go!)

Sometimes I feel like I could be doing so much more.  For example – this week I decided not to count my calories because I knew I wasn’t going to be consuming many carbs.  I honestly don’t think I ate enough calories any day this week; I usually eat under my goal when I’m eating healthy.

As far as working out, though, I know I could be hitting it SO MUCH HARDER.  I think I’ve  fallen into the “less effort” mindset because I used to lift weights three times a week and didn’t do much cardio.  Now I’m focusing solely on cardio.  I used to walk 45-60 minutes per day at a pretty brisk pace.  Then I started to jog somewhat regularly, and that’s when I started to see really nice results.  I know what I need to do, it’s just SO DIFFICULT to get my mind in that place again.  It’s not impossible though.  I’ll get there.

I’ll end this post by saying… I have a really simple, somewhat conversational writing style.  I hope you, dear reader, enjoy that.  I don’t like to be too “flowery” with my language.  I have a pretty limited vocabulary (that I’m very self-conscious about), so it helps to prevent me writing anything too complicated anyway.  haha  I was always complimented in college about my writing style; in grad school I assumed it was because professors were tired of reading overly pretentious writing from students who were trying to prove something.  I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?  I was just trying to fill up a couple of more minutes anyway. 😉

Time’s up!

I’m an introverted songwriter with too much information to sift through…

Written for The Daily Prompt:

Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to you.

I get overwhelmed fairly easily with mass amounts of information at my fingertips.  Hand me a textbook and I’m fine, but the Internet?



                                                                      How can you seriously expect me to sift through all of this and know where to begin?  Let’s not even start to think about the amount of useless and/or inaccurate information that’s out there.

That being said, my first answer to the question is learning about how certain types of foods and medical conditions affect the body and weight loss. It really is not as simple as “calories in < calories out” because if it were, most people wouldn’t have such a difficult time with it.  Some people have to go “low carb” to see results; others need to actually eat more because they’ve starved themselves for too long and have wrecked their metabolisms.  There’s such an array of things to consider when attempting to sculpt your shell into something other than what it is right now.  I still haven’t learned the science to the point where I can see results on a consistent basis, but I’m getting there.

The other thing that came to mind was songwriting.  While I’m decent at it, it definitely doesn’t come easy, and I have much more to learn.  For example, today I’m hesitant to get on my recording PC and attempt to write a particular verse for a collaboration track I’m working on because it’s not my usual style – melodically or lyrically.

Being social and making new friends is the last thing that popped into my mind when I read the prompt. However, I guess I haven’t really tried to learn how to do that.  I’m introverted, so I’m comfortable not having many friends, but I also like to communicate.  As such, my introverted nature and shyness (NOT the same thing) get in the way of that desire to become more social and make new friends as easily as my extroverted peers.

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be good enough at any of these things. I like a challenge, though.

My transformation begins tomorrow.

Normally, I’d be the one to say, “Why are you waiting until tomorrow? Start TODAY!”   And I would have started today  if I had gotten everything in order and figured out by now.

I’ve learned over the years that in order for me to succeed at this transformation, I need to have my menus ready and shopping lists made.  I have no problem working 3 months in advance; in fact, I quite enjoy it.  I know that if it’s not all planned out for me, I will fall off course.   I’m actually just going to plan out a menu for 4 weeks and repeat it for the 3 months.  Easy peasy.  In theory, anyway.   (I’ve gotten almost 2 weeks finished and I’m already running out of ideas.  haha)

I’m going to focus on eating a Paleo diet for the most part.  I’m pretty sure cottage cheese does not fit into that lifestyle, as it seems to be just “meat + vegetables + water”.  However, I haven’t researched it all that much.  I just really need to get this menu out of the way so I can start tweaking it after I tally up all of my calories and macros for each day.  This right here… is me procrastinat— I mean, taking a break.

I’m excited about this, though.  I’m entering at least 3 different challenges during this process for extra motivation.  Though I really don’t think I’ll need external motivation as long as I have my plan in place.  The competitions will just be extra support.