January 27, 2010 is when I first touched the man who didn’t exist.

I saw, heard, touched and smelled him under on the bench in front of those windows.  Did I tell you he never existed?

I saw, heard, touched and smelled him in this airport lobby.  Did I tell you he never existed?

Had I not dreamt about him two nights ago, this post wouldn’t exist.  Ha… what a coincidence.  It wouldn’t exist… just like he never did.

It’s been at least a year since I’ve felt so anxious, so… confused.

Our relationship began six weeks prior to meeting each other in person.  I couldn’t fall asleep, so I went online to find a stranger who was interested in speaking over Skype until I fell into my slumber.  It took awhile to pull his contact information out of him; I enjoyed the challenge so much I didn’t want to give up on it. I was pretty sure I knew just how to “break” him, though.  I sang for him.  It was my last-ditch effort.  He said he was going out, so I posted a recording of me singing “Goodnight, Sweetheart” from the movie Three Men and a Baby. His next message is what changed the course of… well… the rest of my life, really.

I’ll spare you the details, but two weeks after we started talking on a daily basis – hours and hours each day – we decided to meet in Las Vegas in April during a business trip of mine.  I chose to go out two days earlier than needed so I could spend extra time with him.  Except, about three weeks after that decision was made, he boarded a plane and flew halfway across the country with about $20 left in his wallet… and to his name.

Following my instructions, he walked a straight line to the big TV screen and took a right.  You can see some large windows in the distance; I touched him for the very first time in front of those windows.  In fact, if memory serves me correctly, I may have timed this posting right down to the minute.

Who am I trying to fool?  He didn’t actually walk on that floor; I never touched him two years ago.  He didn’t exist.  So why is it then that two years ago this evening was the beginning of the most tumultuous year of my life?

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I get lost; it helps me feel alive.

reeltoreel

(Picture Source)

Written for The Daily PromptWhat role does music play in your life?

The first song I ever recorded (on a reel-to-reel) was in the tune of “Frère Jacques”, but the lyrics were:

Watermelon, Watermelon
Spit the pits, spit the pits
Up and down my elbows, up and down my elbows
Drip, drip, drip.  Drip, drip, drip.

I was 3 or 4 years old at the time.  As a little girl, I sang every chance I got.  I was in choir from kindergarten until I graduated from high school.

Twenty years ago (when I was 13), Celine Dion and Mariah Carey were my idols.  I wanted so badly to be as famous as they were.  Ten years ago, I still was saying, “I want to be a famous vocalist”, but I wasn’t doing anything to get me there.

I no longer want to be a celebrity, but I am now pursuing music in my free time.  I collaborate with artists from around the world.  As an example, I live in the midwest United States and I’m currently working with someone who lives in Germany.  I’ve worked with 30-50 different people over the past 6 years;  I’ve only met one of them.

So what role does music play in my life?

Music is sometimes an escape when I need to get my mind off of everything; I get lost in it.  I can spend 4 or 5 hours in my studio and not realize it’s 2 o’clock in the morning until my husband comes in and reminds me that my body needs sleep.  Music is my outlet.

Music also is a social “crutch” for me, per se. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder when I was 20 years old, so discussing things I’m passionate about really help ease my nerves in social situations. When a topic I’m passionate about is brought up, I come alive.   Most people enjoy music, right?  Well, I capitalize on that. I make sure to mention that I write and record in my spare time.  Most people immediately ask me how it works and they are usually amazed that I write music with people I have never – and probably will never – meet in person. It’s not narcissism; I just need to find an “in”… and music is usually that “in” for me.

Excitement is another thing music brings into my life – especially when I’m collaborating with someone on a new song.  The way some tracks come together continues to astound me to this day.  I simply can’t get enough of it, really.  I may not be the most talented, but I won’t stop making music until I have to.

Fun fact: The title of my blog was inspired by a song I discovered just days before signing up to WordPress.

Transformation Update 1/24/13 | The Daily Prompt

Written for The Daily Prompt.

Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.

My transformation challenge has been weighing on my mind lately.  I feel like I’m not making any progress.  And I’m not  – physically, anyway.  However, I do feel like I’m making loads of progress internally.

I’m eating better, eating fewer carbs, and I’m cooking more and more each day. My dad was a chef and owned a nice, sit-down restaurant in my hometown for about 10 years while I was growing up.  While I’ll never be a chef, cooking is quite therapeutic!  If the school I worked at had a culinary arts program, I would take a few classes.  But I digress…

I’ve been working out on an almost daily basis.  I try to get in a minimum of 30-45 minutes of walking and/or jogging each day (except for Wednesdays – my rest day.)  So far, I’ve done really good with that.  Baby steps.

That being said, baby steps are not going to get me to where I need to be in another 10 weeks; I can’t believe 2 weeks of my transformation “challenge” have already passed!  10 weeks… that’s really all I have to kick some major ass.  Even if I don’t have the biggest transformation out of my small group, I am learning better habits and getting in a routine of cooking healthier meals, so it’s a win-win situation anyway.

(5 minutes to go!)

Sometimes I feel like I could be doing so much more.  For example – this week I decided not to count my calories because I knew I wasn’t going to be consuming many carbs.  I honestly don’t think I ate enough calories any day this week; I usually eat under my goal when I’m eating healthy.

As far as working out, though, I know I could be hitting it SO MUCH HARDER.  I think I’ve  fallen into the “less effort” mindset because I used to lift weights three times a week and didn’t do much cardio.  Now I’m focusing solely on cardio.  I used to walk 45-60 minutes per day at a pretty brisk pace.  Then I started to jog somewhat regularly, and that’s when I started to see really nice results.  I know what I need to do, it’s just SO DIFFICULT to get my mind in that place again.  It’s not impossible though.  I’ll get there.

I’ll end this post by saying… I have a really simple, somewhat conversational writing style.  I hope you, dear reader, enjoy that.  I don’t like to be too “flowery” with my language.  I have a pretty limited vocabulary (that I’m very self-conscious about), so it helps to prevent me writing anything too complicated anyway.  haha  I was always complimented in college about my writing style; in grad school I assumed it was because professors were tired of reading overly pretentious writing from students who were trying to prove something.  I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it?  I was just trying to fill up a couple of more minutes anyway. 😉

Time’s up!

I’m an introverted songwriter with too much information to sift through…

Written for The Daily Prompt:

Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to you.

I get overwhelmed fairly easily with mass amounts of information at my fingertips.  Hand me a textbook and I’m fine, but the Internet?

Holy.

Shit.

                                                                      How can you seriously expect me to sift through all of this and know where to begin?  Let’s not even start to think about the amount of useless and/or inaccurate information that’s out there.

That being said, my first answer to the question is learning about how certain types of foods and medical conditions affect the body and weight loss. It really is not as simple as “calories in < calories out” because if it were, most people wouldn’t have such a difficult time with it.  Some people have to go “low carb” to see results; others need to actually eat more because they’ve starved themselves for too long and have wrecked their metabolisms.  There’s such an array of things to consider when attempting to sculpt your shell into something other than what it is right now.  I still haven’t learned the science to the point where I can see results on a consistent basis, but I’m getting there.

The other thing that came to mind was songwriting.  While I’m decent at it, it definitely doesn’t come easy, and I have much more to learn.  For example, today I’m hesitant to get on my recording PC and attempt to write a particular verse for a collaboration track I’m working on because it’s not my usual style – melodically or lyrically.

Being social and making new friends is the last thing that popped into my mind when I read the prompt. However, I guess I haven’t really tried to learn how to do that.  I’m introverted, so I’m comfortable not having many friends, but I also like to communicate.  As such, my introverted nature and shyness (NOT the same thing) get in the way of that desire to become more social and make new friends as easily as my extroverted peers.

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be good enough at any of these things. I like a challenge, though.

Dedication and Music | The Daily Prompt

Written for The Daily Prompt:

It’s definitely true that we’re not good at tooting our own horn; it’s so easy to focus on the things we dislike about ourselves.

I love my dedication to some aspects of my life.  I have a pretty high work ethic, and I do whatever I can to help my students succeed without doing too much.  I also keep trying to become healthier.  Even if I “fall off the wagon”, I will get back up again after I get my mind right.

I enjoy creating music and am good at it.  While I’m not the BEST at it, my goal is not to become famous; I just like to have fun, and I’m succeeding at that!  I’d like to share my music here, but I also want to remain anonymous so that I can be as candid as possible on this blog.  I may start a new blog just for showcasing my music.  Maybe. 🙂

I fell in love with a man who didn’t exist. ||| Starting Over

This is for the Writing Challenge: Starting Over, and it’s something I’ve needed to write for a long time.

G,

When I met you, you made me start over.  You made me think things I never thought before, want things I never wanted, believe things I never imagined I would believe. I wanted nothing more than to leave everything behind and start a new life with you.  I would have alienated myself from almost everyone, but it didn’t matter.  I loved you that much.  Or rather, I loved the person I thought you were.

You challenged me.
You never tolerated my excuses.
You gave me more confidence than I’d ever had before.
You gave me more hope than I ever imagined to be possible.
You loved me in such a way – passionate, uninhibited and with reckless abandon; it was the type of love/lust/infatuation I had never experienced in my 31 years of life.

All I wanted was you… was us… and nothing else mattered to me.

Then I woke up. I woke up to your absence; I woke up to reality. I woke up to my new beginning, and now I’m starting over again.

While I regret some of my actions during those 10 months, I don’t regret knowing you.  Because of you and your sociopathic tendencies, I am a much stronger person now. Most people would have thought I was crazy if they had known even half of what I went through with you and all of the emotional abuse you introduced into my life.  That being said, you can’t take all of the credit.  I’m the one who chose to react how I did.  While you brought things into my life that no one else ever had, I came out virtually unscathed because of myself.  Not because of you.

You never existed; I’m glad you’re gone.

-E.

My transformation begins tomorrow.

Normally, I’d be the one to say, “Why are you waiting until tomorrow? Start TODAY!”   And I would have started today  if I had gotten everything in order and figured out by now.

I’ve learned over the years that in order for me to succeed at this transformation, I need to have my menus ready and shopping lists made.  I have no problem working 3 months in advance; in fact, I quite enjoy it.  I know that if it’s not all planned out for me, I will fall off course.   I’m actually just going to plan out a menu for 4 weeks and repeat it for the 3 months.  Easy peasy.  In theory, anyway.   (I’ve gotten almost 2 weeks finished and I’m already running out of ideas.  haha)

I’m going to focus on eating a Paleo diet for the most part.  I’m pretty sure cottage cheese does not fit into that lifestyle, as it seems to be just “meat + vegetables + water”.  However, I haven’t researched it all that much.  I just really need to get this menu out of the way so I can start tweaking it after I tally up all of my calories and macros for each day.  This right here… is me procrastinat— I mean, taking a break.

I’m excited about this, though.  I’m entering at least 3 different challenges during this process for extra motivation.  Though I really don’t think I’ll need external motivation as long as I have my plan in place.  The competitions will just be extra support.