I was over him until he literally walked back into my life.

ever fallen in love with someoen you shouldn't have

It’s been just over two years since I last saw him in person.

It’s been almost a year since we spoke the last time via text.

It’s been three and a half months since I felt strongly enough about him to put forth the effort in writing on my blog about it.

Essentially, it took me two years to get over him.

Our last conversation – 07/02/2012
Me: Do you still think of me? 12:12 AM
Him: No. 12:13 AM
Me: Fair enough. Safe travels. 12:14 AM (He was planning a trip to Europe when we spoke a few months earlier.)
Me: I hope our paths cross again once you’ve matured a bit in some aspects. 12:20 AM
Him: I do 12:22 AM  (I assume he meant “I don’t.”)
Me: You do what? 12:22 AM
Him: I’m seeing someone. Someone I enjoy completely. 12:27 AM
Him: I love her, really. 12:28 AM
Him: I don’t want you in my life at all. In any capacity. Ever. 12:29 AM
Me: I’m happy for you. 12:29 AM
Him: Good. Stop contacting me. 12:30 AM
Me: Why is that? 12:30 AM
Me: I mean I don’t intend to continue. I’m just curious. 12:31 AM
Him: Because I tell her everything, and she doesn’t really enjoy me receiving texts from random women, especially when we’re lying together. 12:34 AM
Him: As a courtesy to us, just stop. 12:34 AM
Him: Bye (name). 12:35 AM
Me: Haha. 12:35 AM  (I laughed because he doesn’t tell anyone everything.)
Me: Bye (name). 12:36 AM

All of that changed on Thursday, May 23, 2013 at around 12:15pm CST.  He showed up at my place of employment.  (I’m sure he didn’t tell his girlfriend about that.)

I’ll spare you the details, but when I saw him, I was certainly not elated like I had always pictured I would be.  I was confused and I was frustrated.  He only had about an hour to spend with me, so after I decided to stop being a bitch (“Be cordial”, he said.  Seriously!?), we went out for lunch.

I thought to myself, “Okay, you can either have a shitty last time together or you can make the best of it.”  I decided to make the best of it… to get the closure I needed.  We had a couple of laughs… and I asked him for a hug at the end of the visit.  We held on for a minimum of 60 seconds; during this time he kissed my head a few times just like before.  He said he was thinking about the first day we spent together and how it was a bit awkward until we shared a fairly lengthy hug.  We parted, with him telling me to “have a nice life.”

I sent him a txt right after he left letting him know it was nice seeing him again and to have fun with his pain in the ass girlfriend (light-heartedly;  he had told me how much of a PITA she was during our drive back to my employer.)  He responded a few hours later with “:3″ and that was it.

I’ve stopped myself multiple times from sending another txt.  That’s mainly why I’m writing this post; it’s a way to (sort of) distract myself from speaking directly to him.   He would enjoy that way too much (he’s a sociopath – he’d get enjoyment out of knowing he still has a hold on me after all this time).

I still don’t believe he went 45 minutes out of his way (he flies all over the country for work) to “just to see how I was doing.” I firmly believe he did it to torture the fuck out of me.  I was fine for a few hours after he left.  Then guess what?  Mission accomplished.  I am so fucking broken down it’s ridiculous.

It took just over two years since I got over him the first time; I don’t even want to imagine how long it’s going to take me to get over this.

one person you'll never get over

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What letter am I avoiding? | The Daily Prompt

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Written for The Daily Prompt:

So… an entire blog post that doesn’t contain a specific letter.  Is it possible?  Read on and see!  (Try to pick the letter before the end of the post where there is a hint!)

I am sitting at work waiting for someone who takes college classes to stop by and let me know how he or she is doing. My time will be better spent organizing my office after I am done writing this post.  However, I have no problem relaxing for the moment. 

The weather is a bit cold and snowy, so the school may have a “snow day” tomorrow.  I’ll have to wait and see.  My home needs a good cleaning, so I will probably spend my time doing that if I am snowed in tomorrow. I’ll work in some time to jog, too.

Words and sentences really are amazing.  Each time I want to type that letter, I think of another way to say the same thing. I will probably try to do this again sometime.  Maybe I will choose the letter “e.”  Haha!  Yeah, right!  I’m not that naive to think I can write a relatively lengthy blog post that doesn’t contain a letter as important as that!  Don’t get me wrong – the letter I’m avoiding is important, too.  However, it can be avoided rather easily compared to other vowels.

I’m so glad I didn’t need a word that contained the letter “q”…

2007: Tears of Joy, Tears of Fear | The Daily Prompt

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(Photo Source)

Written for The Daily Prompt:

Dig through your couch cushions, your purse, or the floor of your car and look at the year printed on the first coin you find. What were you doing that year?

2007 was a year of firsts for me.  I started my first job after graduating from college, I became a wife and I became the owner of a brand new vehicle.  haha

I will pick a few months and choose one or two events that happened in those months to describe in more detail:

January

At the end of December 2006, I moved into my first apartment after college with my fiance.  So, in January, we finished getting settled.  Part of that was going out and buying a some furnishings, courtesy of his aunt who gave us an early wedding present in the form of a gift certificate to a nearby furniture store.  The two big pieces we bought were a dining room set and a couch, both of which we still own (unfortunately so, in regards to the couch!).

This was also the first time I had ever cried due to lack of sleep, and I cried during my first week at my new job! Luckily, no one saw me.  I was able to pull it together within a few minutes.  I was utterly exhausted because my cat (who had not lived with me for about a year) was back with us, but he wouldn’t stop crying through the night.  My parents had gotten another cat while my cat was living with them and they formed a very close bond.  I called my now-husband in tears and asked him to meet my mother halfway (about a 2-hour drive) so that my cat could go back to where he wanted to be.  He hasn’t lived with me since, but I know he’s happier.

April

This was the month of my wedding.  It was a bit stressful to plan it from half a state away, but surprisingly enough only one thing went wrong with the entire day!  I had a very unique ceremony; I did a lot of DIY projects to save money and everything turned out fantastic.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would cry during my wedding, but as soon as I started reciting the traditional vows (“I take you…”), I lost it.  🙂

After returning home from our honeymoon, we purchased a brand new car.   Talk about a wedding present!

September

We traveled the North Shore in Minnesota all the way up to Grand Marais during the course of one day.  We stopped along the way and hiked in a few different parks.   Near the end of the trip, we descended to the bottom of one of the forests.  Upon our ascent, about halfway up, I had to take a rest.  We started again, and before long, I needed to rest again.  At this point, I began to get upset; I started crying because I truly did not think that I was going to be able to make it all the way back!   (I’d like to think that I am in better shape now that I work out on a regular basis.)

So, that was 2007 for me.  If my memory wasn’t complete shit, I could bore you some more. 😉

Frustration and Motivation

Gah.  I’m frustrated.  I’ve been a lot more disciplined for the past two weeks, and I’m not seeing any progress – externally, at least.  Internally I feel a lot better about myself, but I’d like to see some changes, too.

I keep telling myself that I can do this.  I know I can because I’ve done it before.  About 2 years ago, I lost 20lbs and have kept 10 of them off.  I’m slowly chiseling away at those 10lbs and hope to slim down more even after that.  But these 10lbs don’t want to leave!!!  I just want to get back into the jeans I was wearing 2 years ago; I don’t give a damn what the scale says as long as my body is changing.

I used to walk 30-60 minutes a night on my treadmill… sometimes longer.  I had a shelf in front of my treadmill and would chat with TMWDE while I was walking, which motivated me to walk for longer.  I’ve since moved my treadmill and only walk/jog to music, which may be part of the issue.  I’ll have to reconsider my setup.

What motivates you… in any aspect of life?

My Most Surreal Experience: The Man Who Didn’t Exist | The Daily Prompt

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Written for the Daily Prompt: What’s the most surreal experience you’ve ever had?

sur·re·al
adjective
1.
of, pertaining to, or characteristic of surrealism, an artistic and literary style; surrealistic.
2.
having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic

I never knew what unadulterated passion was before I met him; I never knew someone could affect me in such a profound way.  I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating:  he challenged me and made me work towards my dreams for myself.  It wasn’t because he wanted me to improve for him; it was always because he wanted me to improve for myself – to achieve what I wanted.

I chose the picture to represent what our love meant to me.  It not only challenged me, but the love we shared helped me grow in multiple ways. I’m a better person because of that relationship.  I do my best to experience new things, to not give into excuses… to continue to grow.  I have a lot of work to do yet, but I’m getting there.

May 13, 2011 – we were chatting about me not seeing results in regards to fitness:

 HIM:
In a world that will eat your emotions raw, there is no room for excuses, especially when you’re so critical of yourself.
I wish I could show you; I wish you could feed off my energy and willpower, but we aren’t together.
So when you feel like just “giving up,” either commit yourself to the cause  or just give up.
You asked me to write you an email describing different aspects of myself.
The thing that annoys me the most on anyone, especially you, is entertainment of any excuses. Ever.
 
ME:
Why especially me?
 
HIM:
Because I love you, and I know you are better than that…
Even if you don’t.
So I will fucking yell at you every time you project even the slightest excuse in any direction.
I am so motivated because I take accountability for everything in my life. If something isn’t the way I want it, it’s simply because I’m not trying hard enough.
This applies to me as a person and the world as it could be.

How could I not love his passion for helping me? For life?  How could my heart not flutter when he said that I’m better than any excuse?  How could I have been so foolish?

I don’t think I will ever meet someone else that passionate about life.  I don’t want to; I’ll just fall in love with them, and I can’t do that.

I don’t regret knowing him… or what I thought to be him.  I continue to work towards my fitness goals and when I need some motivation, that is one of the conversations I go back and read.  One day… I’ll be able to push myself and not need external motivation.  Until then, I’ll continue revisiting the fantasy as much as it hurts me to do so. In the end, I will benefit from it over and over again. Whatever it takes, right?

Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

No one jumps a 20 foot chasm in two 10 foot jumps. | The Daily Prompt

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Written for the Daily Prompt.

You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally?

The picture above probably has you assuming that I make all of my changes in one fell swoop.  “Go big or go home!” That isn’t the case, though.  Incremental change is what I like where most things are concerned, but it really does depend on what it is I’m tackling. As excited as I get about things and want to go “all in,” I find that I’m just not brave enough to do that, usually.  I like change… but only when I know my desired outcome is going to be achieved.

On the other hand, I never really get the dramatic results I want when I change things bit by bit.  This would make sense, right?  Why would I expect to lose 20lbs in 2-3 months if I’m only exercising 30 minutes a day (compared to 2-3 times a week) and eating cleaner (when I didn’t eat horrible to begin with)?  Well, I wouldn’t expect that… but that’s besides the point.  What matters is that you need to change big things to see big results.

I should just tell Fear to fuck off.

Afterall, no one jumps a 20 foot chasm in two 10 foot jumps.